Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Oleology: Personality Profiles Based on Butter

The Ruler
The Ruler: The Ruler mentally draws lines on the butter like on the wrapper. They cut perfect pats  to keep the stick square to facilitate dispensing exactly a tablespoon for recipe purposes. The Ruler is intolerant of breaches in butter etiquette and dispenses jam from the jar into a crystal dish for the table. The Ruler tends to end up old and alone, yet happy because they always get their own way.

The Nibbler
The Nibbler: This corner-cutter keeps taking butter from one corner of the stick until they have sharpened the butter into a senseless wedge. The Nibbler likes to eat with their hands and drink straight out of a can. A free spirit, they love to shock people and rarely wear pants.

The Mountain Topper
The Mountain Topper: This "a little off the top" butter infidel scrapes the whole top of the stick, as though nobody will notice the square stick of butter becoming shorter and shorter with each pop of the toaster. The Mountain Topper is a pathological liar and waters down the bottles of liquor they use for company. 

The Abstract Artist
The Abstract Artist: This butter defiler runs the knife all around the stick of butter, getting the softened butter while leaving the cold core. The Abstract Artist tends to use a high conductivity metal butter dish rather than a sensible glass or ceramic dish. The dejected butter ends up sitting in a pool of its own tears of embarrassment. The Abstract Artist has no direction in life and bad taste in hats.

The Corn Cobber
The Corn Cobber: This "gitter' done" character skips the cutlery entirely and applies their foodstuffs directly to the stick of butter. Only in their case it is not real butter but what Granny calls "oleo," or if she's being brand specific, "Bet It's Not Butter." The Corn Cobber loves big trucks and Jesus and has nicknames for all their children. (Names that will remain a secret when they get to college.)

The Sealing Wax
The Sealing Wax: Folding back the wrapper and applying the exposed end of the stick of butter directly to a hot griddle is the modus operandi for The Sealing Wax. This pancake-fancier thinks nothing of the burnt blueberry blood left behind on the butter butt as they fold the end of the wrapper back over the mutilated stump and toss it back in the icebox after breakfast. The Sealing Wax likes high adrenaline sports and goes to business meetings wearing shirts with writing on them.

The Use It All, Y'all
The Use It All, Y'all: This butter lover has no consistent method for cutting a portion from a stick of butter. Their habit is to grab the side of the wrapper with both hands and whip the whole stick of butter into a skillet, mixing bowl, or sauce pan. The Use It All, Y'all considers themselves a friendly person, open and welcoming, yet their crippling historical ignorance renders them helplessly racist. They don't know when to stop talking, effectively digging a hole then pulling the dirt in on top of themselves.


  1. I think I am a little of each. Depends on my mood. Cracking up at your descriptions. LOVE

  2. Hilarious! Your disparagement of all other butter personalities suggests that you self-identify as The Ruler. :-)

  3. What a nice article. Thank you for sharing this insight. Keep it up! paving company indianapolis