Saturday, January 2, 2016

2015 Was a Very Small Year

I didn't write much in 2015. I was busy knitting. I have 145 items in my iPad database of designs. I didn't really keep track of how many finished objects I made. I don't derive my satisfaction from running totals. I started out the year wondering if constant counting and calculating would improve my dexterity with numbers, but I think I have proven I have a bona fide brain deficit and no amount of practice is ever going to make me flawless. It still makes me sad to hear about people who "hate math." I'm grateful my innumeracy never turned into loathing.

I didn't go anywhere in 2015. My car stayed in my home county and two adjacent ones in Georgia and Florida.

Nothing awesome happened to me in 2015.

My house sank, but I fixed it. A duck dented my car, but I fixed it. I felt like crap all year, and I couldn't fix that. When I take my car to the mechanic they keep replacing parts until it works better. If doctors did anything like that I might go to them for help. I did not see a doctor in 2015.

I had no drama in my life in 2015. Nobody told me what to do, I never raised my voice in anger at anyone. I woke up every day and did exactly what I felt like doing.

I think I was the best hermit I could be in 2015.

I am a little worried about money though. I don't see how my mother and aunts can keep buying the stuff I knit at the same rate. I looked online at job openings near my brother's new house since he has an extra bedroom now. I tried to imagine myself going to a job interview. Tried to imagine driving down the turnpike in South Florida to go sit at a Windows computer applying styles to Microsoft Word documents. It was about the same feeling I have when I think about making a doctor's appointment. Despair, hopelessness, dark misery.

The chirpy little job descriptions caused a rising background hum of cynical growling on top of the constant ringing in my ears.
Excellent technical writing skills for environmental consulting applications are required as are outstanding engineering/scientific problem-solving abilities. The selected candidate will demonstrate passion for the business of environmental consulting, technical excellence and quality, leadership potential, a commitment to lifelong learning and growth, and the desire to build a long and rewarding career with the Firm.
I feel so much negativity for "passion for the business," "leadership potential" and "desire to build a long and rewarding career with the Firm." I just want some fucking health insurance. Why do I have to buy into this Tony Robbins bullshit?

I actually do like working with teams of engineering consultants. I like making people stop fucking up the environment. I just don't give a damn about the business of it. To me the whole point of working in a big company is division of apathy. Lots of people don't give a damn about a stylesheets and passive voice. I will handle that, they can handle making a profit. I do not expect the head of accounts receivable to be passionate about illegal sea walls, don't ask me to be passionate about time sheets.

Does anybody read that paragraph and feel inspired and motivated? Are they coasting along on the delusional wave of normal behavior? Career, children, pets, crippling debt? Do I really want to hang out with them 40 hours a week? I don't know. It would be fine I guess. I would adapt. But how many of them would be happy with a year like I just had? I probably spent less than 40 hours TOTAL FOR THE YEAR in the company of at least one other person. And I liked it. Isn't it a shame to waste that aptitude?

It's very difficult to stop doing nothing, of course. Reduce, Reuse, Recluse, Repeat. Here's the first video I ever uploaded to Vimeo. I made it with Keynote. I miss Graham Chapman.

I Didn't Speak Dressed as a Carrot from Barbara Tomlinson on Vimeo.